Supposedly these are actual maintenance crew replies to complaints

PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
SOLUTION: Almost replaced left inside main tire

PROBLEM: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
SOLUTION: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit
SOLUTION: Something tightened in cockpit

PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud
SOLUTION: DME volume set to more believable level

PROBLEM: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear
SOLUTION: Evidence removed

PROBLEM: Dead bugs on windshield
SOLUTION: Live bugs on order

PROBLEM: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
SOLUTION: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

PROBLEM: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
SOLUTION: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

PROBLEM: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
SOLUTION: That's what they're there for

PROBLEM: Number three engine keeps missing
SOLUTION: Engine found on right wing after brief search

PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny
SOLUTION: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

PROBLEM: Target radar hums
SOLUTION: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

PROBLEM: Noise in instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on it with a hammer
SOLUTION: Took hammer away from midget
Air Farce